July 11, 2003
Men Vs. Women, Me Vs. Maureen Dowd
The Man Without Qualities is all over Maureen Dowd's latest with three, oops four as of now, posts that demonstrate that (once again) she hasn't a clue about what she's writing about. I generally can't be bothered with Ms. Dowd as I'm clearly not her target demographic (something she makes clear in that latest column). I know people who admire her, and rave about her writing style. I looked into the matter and discovered that indeed they were right - her writing is amazing as she is able to write a column that is both the column they print and the perfect parody of the same. "As Dr. Judson told the journalist Ken Ringle, "Her spittle turns his innards to soup, which she slurps up, drinking until she's sucked him dry." I've heard ex-wives described exactly the same way.
To give Maureen her due, while she uses the same elements over and over, she does manage to arrange them differently on occasion, unlike Molly Ivins, for instance, who writes the same column over and over. No matter what the facts and circumstances are, Molly always manages to draw the same conclusion: Democrats good, Republicans bad, very very bad. Oh wait, sorry, that's Maureen too.
I try to never be surprised by the media, but I often fail. Michael Savage was (rightly) fired for telling a caller that he hoped he died because he was "a sodomite". Maureen Dowd tells her readers I hope men become extinct because, well, they have tiny little Y chromosomes, and ... ... nothing happened, no response. I suppose it's because of the sheer scale - Mr Savage's hate was something you could wrap your hands around because it was so personal; Maureen's hate is hard to see because it's so vast - half the human race vast. But this time I'm doubly surprised: A top columnist in the Newspaper of Record keeps writing columns on subjects I've already covered, and covered better IMHO, as this reproduction makes clear:
Dear Mr. Know-it-all,
My wife and I have been having an argument that is threatening to end our marriage and we need your help in settling it. She says that men can be replaced by a turkey baster, and I ask her who will fight their wars? Then she just laughs (a distinctly unpleasant laugh). So, who's right?
Dan Collision, Ottumwa Iowa
While I try not to get involved in domestic disputes, I felt I must help as your remark about the laugh makes me believe she has told this story to her friends and they all agree with her that you are a big goofball. So I will tell you, you're both wrong. Men can't be replaced with just a turkey baster; a hot water bottle is also required (in season). I can understand you two overlooking this as we are just now getting cooler weather and all summer long your mere presence in bed has been making her too hot (and not the good kind of hot, either). And the thing that's actually kept us from being replaced, since turkey basters and hot water bottles are cheap and plentiful, is an automated system to take out the trash. When this system is cheap and plentiful, then mankind will become womankind. For the nostalgic woman, it will store the odor from the trash and then spray this fragrance at random intervals in the house while saying "Ah, that's better", "Don't light a match", "Like roses", or "I wouldn't go in there if I were you".
As to your remark about fighting wars, physical combat would be obsolete without any men. Instead, each country would make catty remarks about the other country behind its back, until from embarrassment one country would surrender and the victor would take some of the remarks back (how much would be part of the peace settlement) and the loser would take them all back. So Dan, I hope I've done my part for domestic tranquillity.
PS You'll know women have been replaced when you see chisels and gasoline sold in the cleaning products aisle at K-Mart.
