PUNS
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire inthe craft it sank.....proving once and for all that you can't have yourkayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood andbecame a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields andnever amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of twoweevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles upto the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for abeer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaineduring root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and werestanding in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked themto disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an openfoyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnutdaiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and wouldalways have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender wasdismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nutsand set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink andexclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something toeat. He came across two men: one was sitting under a tree and reading abook; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writerscramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent inten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here."
The mushroom says, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in hishome town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later andit's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What'swith the fancy plate?"
The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
This page last updated 6 May 1998