MEN AND WOMEN
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
A Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he getsto hold your hand and say "focus...breathe....push...."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with ahalf pound bag of peanut M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck."After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
A man is strolling along the beach when his foot hits something hard buried just beneath the sand. He carefully digs out strange and very old bottle with a cork in the top. When he pops the cork a Genie appears....
Genie: Oh great master I grant you one wish.
Man: One wish? I thought I got three wishes?
Genie: Sorry great master I am only able to grant you one wish, so think very carefully about what it is you desire.
The man sits down on the beach and contemplates for many, many hours about what his one wish is to be. Finally.....
Man: I really love going to Hawaii, but I have always hated flying. My wish is for you to build a road from the mainland to Hawaii so that I can drive to the islands.
Genie: Oh great master, I fear you have asked for too much!! For me to grant that wish I would have to part the Seas and shift the Continents themselves. Although I am one of the greatest, most powerful genie's in the universe I fear that wish is virtually impossible. I must ask that you wish for something else.
Once again the man sits on the beach for many, many hours contemplating what his next wish might be. Finally.......
Man: Help me to understand women.
Genie: Do you want one or two lanes?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
What a Woman Wants:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy:
One is to let her think she is having her own way.
The other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Continuing Education Courses for Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.
18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.
24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.
26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
29. Ballet: For Women Only.
30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.
31. Learning to "Go" in Public Restrooms.
32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.
33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.
34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
35. Sexy Lingerie For Any Occasion.
This page last updated 12 December 1998