Perhaps I’m easily amused, but I broke out laughing at the corrections in today’s St. Louis Post-Dispatch — which won’t be online until they’re good and ready in a few days. But they were correcting a typo in a letter to the editor (not present in the online version), and announced that the correct title of Marshall McCluhan’s book is “The Medium is the Massage”. Maybe they should spell check with a human and not a program, or maybe I applaud an editor slipping one in on a slow Friday night.

My family considers my work stories the height of boredom: engineering tales about stuff they don’t understand and don’t care to understand. My wife works as a claims adjuster and we all love her claims stories. In fact, my son instituted “bizarre claim of the day” time at dinner where the funWife describes the most bizarre claim of the day. Today she had nothing, but yesterday was a good one.

A vegetarian goes to a fast food burger restaurant and orders a burger, hold the burger. That’s right, a burger, but don’t bring me the meat part of the hamburger, just the bun and toppings: the anti-Clara Peller. So when they bring her her order, she bites right in and is horrified to discover that there’s a burger in her burger. She doesn’t look to see if there’s a beef patty lurking in the depths of the burger, she doesn’t notice the difference in weight, or the unmistakable delicious aroma of cooked beef. But she wants $2500 for the mental anguish of taking a bite of meat. 

The down side to my wife’s job is the impression you get of people – clueless yet greedy.

Apple has unveiled it’s new iMac G5 design: Nothing but flat screen. OK, and an anodized aluminum stand, and I assume they throw in the keyboard and mouse. And its not all flat screen because there is an expanse of white for the logo and speakers. But you get the point. While I want one, they could make one set of changes in the hardware that would make more than my demographic (Apple fans) want one.

Apple is almost to what I call “Mom’s computer:” a wall mounted computer with wireless input devices. 

The nerve center of the modern household is the kitchen, and mom is the COO — chief operating officer — of the household. So what mom needs (yeah, just like a man to tell a woman what she needs) is a computer for her — a computer that fits into the kitchen and takes over the roll of the exterior of the refrigerator and the calendar. The family wants to be able to leave messages for each other. Now you put them on a sticky on the fridge, pin them to cork, or write them on a white board. Better would be to leave them on the computer, and you could even password protect private messages to individuals. To make it work, you need the computer somewhere in the middle of the beaten track, somewhere where everybody spends time – namely the kitchen. For a computer to be completely convenient to use, it must also be located conveniently. 

Wouldn’t it be great to have different views of the calendar so you could see it either by individual of by everything the family is signed up for? Why tack up photos on the fridge when you could just set the screen saver to provide a slideshow or tile the screen? Integrate recipes with shopping lists with a weekly or monthly menu? Keep track of to do lists, shopping lists, school projects, etc. Play your iTunes library during meals, or while working or relaxing in the kitchen.

I have a programmable thermostat that controls the temperature of the house based on time of day and day of week. Wouldn’t it be nice to have the same thing for internet content – you could set your browser up to have the latest weather, traffic, news, and your calendar for the day displayed when you have breakfast during the week.

The other reason I call it “mom’s computer” is that in order to make it all work, mom has to have first dibs. Anyone can play games or do schoolwork or whatever, but when somebody else (especially mom) needs to use it, they can.

Shelley at Burningbird has two stories of interest to me.

First up is her deliciously fun thoughts on some tags html should have:

The BUTTHOLE tag. This can be used when linking to a butthole. Then when the person’s page shows up in Google, a disclaimer can be attached to the results saying something like, “Someone somewhere thinks this person is a butthole. Proceed accordingly”.

(Of course, we could also call this the WEBLOG tag – most of us are buttholes to someone at some time or another, or were not trying hard enough.)

The SICKOPERVERTPREVENTION tag. This can be used to surround content that contains words that will most likely end up in some sick Google search phrase – words like porn, whip, sex, balls, breasts, and sheep.

The DISCLAIMER tag. This can be used to surround libelous content. Then when you’re sued, you can point to the page and say, “See? I used the DISCLAIMER tag. This means I was only joshin’ when I published the content.”

The SUCKUP tag. This is my personal favorite. Use this when referencing a specific individual who you want to suck up to. It could be anyone, from a rock star to a weblogger who has more link juice then you (that is, if they still have link juice with the use of BLINK). We all know that some folks suck up to other folks, but there’s nothing in the writing to prove it. Now we can remove any doubt that sucking up is happening. 

Best of all, when the individual searches in Google for people who are sucking up to them, theyll get back your page. Think of the miscommunications this can prevent? 

I think I’d call it the JOKE tag instead of DISCLAIMER since people try to wiggle off with “I was just trying to make a joke”, but since she came up with it, she gets to name it. We need a separate SWIFT tag for when people are trying to emulate Johnathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal, and a PARODY tag just to help out the clueless.

I have to get my car registered by the end of the month, so yesterday I had my car inspected, and this morning I had it emissions tested. Guess what – Shelley’s doing the same thing right here in the great state of Missouri. I didn’t actually have to get the emissions test – I just had to pay the 24 dollars to get the certificate because Missouri has this program where they send these specially marked vans to highway onramps and measure emissions as the cars go by. I wonder if they just give a pass to cars of recent vintage, but they do NOT just stick their noses out the window. Since I didn’t send the money in in time to get the required form back in time to finish the registration this month, I just went by the static test facility (state run) first thing this morning (no line!) and they said I had already passed so if I would just hand over the money I could be on my way with form in hand. Now I just have to gather my paperwork (inspection form, emissions form, proof of insurance form, and paid personal property tax receipt) and I’m good to go. The best part is, now that we register biannually, the lines are half as long. It’s the small things in life I look forward to.

Should I enclose this whole post in SUCKUP tags? 

One of the highlights of our Colorado vacation was getting to see my old buddy Carl Drews again. He and his wife Christine opened their house to us and, believe me, we took maximum advantage of it.

We met the very first day of freshman orientation. Stanford picked up incoming freshman from San Francisco airport and took them to campus on school buses. Carl and I rode the same bus, and got to see a sports car veer off the road for reasons that we still don’t know even today. We were dropped off at the same dorm (Toyon Hall). The friendship was sealed on the first day of classes and we were both in Physics 61 — physics for those man enough to think they had the stuff to be physics majors (for the record, not only were the two women who started Physics 61 not man enough to be physics majors, but also Carl had to wimp out and become a EE). 

Carl would conduct such classic experiments as “Can Kevin Recognize Beth’s Bicycle Chain Rattle From A Random Sample Of Those Who Park Under His Window?” and Carl was the control group for the experiment “Can Kevin Remember His High School Partial Differential Equations Better Than A College Student Can Learn Them?” But we went one experiment too far when trying to be roomates we switched Toyon and Roble on our draw cards and were forced to live separately for the rest of our collegiate careers. At least I was able to remain among the fair and noble towers of Toyon Hall while Carl had to survive the best he could among the squalor of Roble.

After graduation, Carl took off for the foothills of Boulder and I went to the beaches of LA. The inevitable occurred – we drifted apart, lost contact, but due to the brilliance of fellow engineers who invented the internet, we regained contact. When Carl was looking for a way to publish the second issue of the Hervert Family Newsletter six years ago, I was able to help. Carl and his bride Christine have promised a new issue, and I’m looking forward to publishing it as well. I have been sworn to secrecy on the subject, but what I can say about it is “Prepare to be amazed!”

But that’s all old news by way of an introduction. Carl has been a fellow internet content pioneer, and so I have invited him to join as a fellow blogger here on Funmurphys. We can only hope he takes me up on this offer so that once more Funmurphys will provide the finest content on the internet. So let’s please extend a warm welcome to Carl!

Tanya opens the floor to jokes; By the time I can post, she’s cut the mic off. I’m keeping one in reserve, but here’s one I wanted to post:

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful welsh corgi along for company. One day, the corgi starts chasing butterflies and before long the corgi discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The corgi thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the corgi exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.” Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That corgi nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the corgi saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the corgi sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet…and just when they get close enough to hear the corgi says…

“Where’s that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

I try to read Best Of The Web daily. Earlier this week it ran an item about Math Hysteria, sparked by a math question asked of Jeb Bush. They printed the following reader’s proof that 2=1:

Let a=1

Let b=1

Therefore a=b

Multiplying both sides by a gives a²=ab

Subtract 1 from the left and b (which equals 1) from the right: a²-1=ab-b

If you remember your quadratic equations, this factors to: (a+1)(a-1)=b(a-1)

Dividing both sides by a-1, we have a+1=b, or 1+1=1

Therefore 2=1 

Needless to say, there is a problem with the proof, so the next day they ran a followup under the heading Of Subs, Screens and Springs where they said that about 200 readers wrote in a pointed out the proof was no good because they had divided by zero when they divided by (a-1). 

Well.

I sent them the following email:

I can’t believe you got 200 emails about your proof that 2 = 1 and nobody got it right. Everybody forgot their calculus while remembering their algebra. The real answer is that you proved that 1=1. You were fine up to: 

(a+1)(a-1) = b(a-1), 

but when you divided by (a-1) you incorrectly evaluated the expression.

Since you weren’t just dividing by zero, but dividing zero by zero, you should have used L’Hopital’s rule (in case you didn’t take calculus, you can see it here: http://www.math.hmc.edu/calculus/tutorials/lhopital/). 

When you evaluate (a+1)(a-1)/(a-1) as a approaches 1, you take the derivative with respect to a which is (1)(1)/(1) or 1.

When you evaluate b(a-1)/(a-1) as a approaches 1 (again with the derivative), you have b(1)/(1), or b. So when you divide 

(a+1)(a-1) = b(a-1)

by (a-1), as a approaches 1 you have

1 = b 

substituting 1 for b, we have:

1 = 1

QED

Oddly enough, they didn’t run a correction or my email. I’m crushed, but I’ll still keep reading.