If you've read my previous letters to Jon Carroll, you should know all about him, so I won't repeat myself. If you haven't, then read them! This letter was not written in response to a previous column, but simply to get a laugh. Ha Ha. See how easy it is to get a laugh when you do the writing? Anyway, his reply to the letter follows.

Subject: This Won't Change Your Life

Dear Jon,

I have given up all hope of your help on my cable channel idea - marrying good, proven music with good, proven visuals. I suppose you are not as well connected in such circles as I thought. You mocked ("I'm so there, guy") my initiative to eliminate all carry on luggage from airline flights, yet didn't notice the rash of airlines announcing shortly thereafter that a 2 carry-on limit would be strictly enforced. Every long journey starts with the first step, and once we establish the idea in the travelling public's mind (assuming that there is one, contrary to the behavior exhibited by many members of the traveling public) that carry on items are a privilege, and not a right, it is only a short step to ban them altogether. All I'm trying to say is you've let me down twice now, but I'm a firm believer in the third time's the charm. (I fear that contrary to economic dogma, I, along with most of my fellow human beings, think in aphorisms, and not logically).

Jon, I have another proposal for you. All I want from you is money, lots of it, but I'm sure you (Mr. Berkshire Hathaway investor) and your cronies (mayors and big Hollywood stars) are good for it. Let me just include the notice I put up on my web site to let you judge whether you want to invest or not:

We here at The Murphy Nexus are always on the lookout for innovative uses of the wild and wacky thing we call the World Wide Web. We feel a positive devotion to improving the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness of our faithful readers. Well, we've come up with an idea so brilliant, we can barely contain ourselves. But before we implement this revolution in connectedness, we thought we should check with you to make sure we aren't so far ahead of our time that no one will want to use it.

We want to offer a service for all you women who want a male presence without all the odor and expanse of hairy white skin. We want to bring you streaming audio snoring, live over the internet! The same technology that allows you to listen to the radio on your computer over the internet will allow us to play the sounds of real live masculine snoring right into your own bedroom at night (if that's where your computer is, anyway).

What is more soothing than the sound of some great heap of testosterone soaked masculinity sawing off logs? Do you want a boyfriend without doing his laundry? Do you want a husband who never goes on a business trip or stays out late with the boys? Do you want a man who can last all night long?

Well, let us provide Virtual Man just for you. No more sleepless nights with Virtual Man on the job! And if you want, you can crank it up and keep the neighbor's dog awake! So please, act now and to let us know just how much you are willing to pay for this ground breaking service!

I'm sure you'll agree this a sure fire, can't miss kind of idea. Maybe some of your pals wouldn't want to actually invest money, but maybe I could rely on you to help me get celebrity guest snorers? Talk about money for nothing, this is it. Once we have it up and running, we can add other channels to the service - we'll be the background noise kings of the internet. We'll do the sounds of surf, waterfalls, elephants mating, you name it, we'll bring it right to your computer in stereo surround-sound. Heck, I still have a non cable ready TV, so we can even broadcast white noise. We'll sew up the teenage market with the "Light a Blue Flame and Other Gross Sounds" channel. Bill Gates will try to take over our business, but we'll patent the ability of our service to be turned all the way up to eleven, and leave him and all others in the dust at ten. So what do you say?

Kevin Murphy

And Mr. Carroll's reply, which I'm hoping will lead to some serious money:
I'll tell all my movie star friends and we'll get back to you. Dustin will call.

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This page last updated 19 May 1998

Contents copyright Kevin Murphy 1998. All rights reserved.