There once was a young person named Little Red Riding
Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of
endangered owls and rare plants that would probably
provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the
time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she
sometimes referred to as “mother”, although she didn’t
mean to imply by this term that she would have thought
less of the person if a close biological link did not
in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of
nontraditional households, although she was sorry if
this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of
organically grown fruit and mineral water to her
grandmother’s house.
“But mother, won’t this be stealing work from the
unionized people who have struggled for years to earn
the right to carry all packages between various people
in the woods?”
Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had
called the union boss and gotten a special
compassionate mission exemption form.
“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me
to do this?”
Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was
impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all
womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were
free.
“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry
the basket, since he’s an oppressor, and should learn
what it’s like to be oppressed?”
And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her
brother was attending a special rally for animal
rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical womyn’s
work, but an empowering deed that would help engender
a feeling of community.
“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that
she’s sick and hence unable to independently further
her own selfhood?”
But Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her
grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or
mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not
to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to
what some people called “health”.
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind
the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother,
and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding
and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that
this was an irrational fear based on cultural
paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that
regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource,
and hence believed that natural predators were in fact
intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and
deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly
classless society all marginalized peoples would be
able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as
valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed
a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to
examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a
Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk
to strangers, but she was confident in taking control
of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue
with the Wolf.
She replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some
healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.”
The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a
little girl to walk through these woods alone.”
Red Riding Hood said, “I find your sexist remark
offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because
of your traditional status as an outcast from society,
the stress of which has caused you to develop an
alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if
you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and
proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house.
But because his status outside society had freed him
from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style
thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma’s
house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of
action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role
notions, he put on Grandma’s nightclothes, crawled
under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
“Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks
to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing
matriarch.”
The Wolf said softly “Come closer, child, so that I
might see you.”
Red Riding Hood said, “Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes
you have!”
“You forget that I am optically challenged.”
“And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you
have.”
“Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my
acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal
pressures, my child.”
“And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!”
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist
slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his
accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed
Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide
that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in
his belly.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood
bravely shouted. “You must request my permission
before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!”
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he
loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the
cottage, brandishing an ax.
“Hands off!” cried the woodchopper.
“And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red
Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be
expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities,
which would lead to poor self esteem and lower
achievement scores on college entrance exams.”
“Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that
endangered species! This is an FBI sting!” screamed
the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her
head.
“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf.
“The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I
thought I was a goner.”
“No, I think I’m the real victim, here,” said the
woodchopper. “I’ve been dealing with my anger ever
since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I’m going to have such a trauma. Do
you have any aspirin?”
“Sure,” said the Wolf.
“Thanks.”
“I feel your pain,” said the Wolf, and he patted the
woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a
little belch, and said “Do you have any Maalox?”
