Republicans heaved a huge sigh of relief yesterday when President Bush named Ben Bernanke as his nominee to replace Alan Greenspan as chairman of the Federal Reserve. The Bernanke pick surprised no one, as the man has impeccible credentials.

Rumor has it that President Bush was seriously contemplating nominating his longtime broker, and a draft of the President’s introductory remarks has been obtained by Funmurphys: “This is a man who understands the markets; and who by the way made a ton of money for me over the years. I’ll never forget his timing on Harken, that’s for sure. Cutiepie, come on up here. I call him Cutiepie because he sends Laura and me the cutest cards and notes, with cats and bluebonnets on them.” The Whitehouse and “Cutiepie” were unavailable for comment.